life is rough

December 2013 already and yet I  look at my last blog and it feels like I wrote it so long ago. It was the best of times it was the worst of times. It reminds me oddly of " Back to the future," when he says " its your kids!"
I am so lost so sadly horrifically lost. I am not sure how I got here or why, but.... my little love my precious angel, mine own Tucker lee is sick, He has just changed so much since the move and this summer it escalated out of control. I took him in to a Doctor and had him evaluated, His primary illness is ODD, secondary ADHD, borderline depressed, leaning in the direction of bi polar. He is eleven. How did this happen. He said it in Bad lieutenant  when he said "where the fuck were you!"
My baby is so incredibly messed up. Oh my god. I see it now, and it gets worse every day. I can hardly handle him and I know I am losing him. I love him so much. He is so lost inside of this monster. I have no support here. No body sees it like I do. He won't act like he does around me in front of his dad. I can't talk to either one of my own kids. Me, I have helped so many kids in my life and yet I can't seem to help my own. He can't listen to me, he puts his hands over his ears and screams that I am a liar. Gracie is his twin, he hates her, she loved him so much and he adored her and now she is so hurt inside that she has become a mute. She literally can not communicate about anything.
We have tried two meds, that are not helping at all. For Tucker I mean. I am trying to get Gracie into see the Doctor. Its so complecatied and so sad. I just want to help my babies and I don't know how. I feel like so much of this is my own fault, I know better and yet a spade is a spade. Its all so crazy, we have gone to a lady counsler who wants me to leave my husband.  Andy is, in denial. So is his family and unfortunalty so are Tuckers teachers. Andys on the school board. In a small town. His son is not mentally ill, all he needs is a good kick in the ass, I spoil him. But Andy loves him and trys to understand where I am coming from. I forgot who was right or wrong anymore. I know I don't trust myself any more. Probably when I need to most.
For tonight sleep my angels sleep, I love you more than life itself.

Hey its been about a year. I am back and still trying to be raw. I have just finished being 100% RAW for three months, ninety days.
    I went off the raw diet last summer, I think because for me it does not work being partially raw.  I have to be 100%. I did notice that even though I went off the raw diet, I was incorporating more fruits and veggies into my diet than ever before. But I still have not felt well. To much stress in my life. Not enough happiness. No play. No discipline. No future I can map out.  So I have really been sick, and unable to put my finger on what it is, I started in seeing Doctors. I had a colonoscopy, it was all clear. I complained of a myriad of symptoms, bad headaches, breathlessness,  high up gut icky sickness. A general feeling of unwellness, some thing is wrong, but what! dizziness, painful joints. Bad temper. Very irritable. Depressed. Ears ringing. The sickness feels like a flu, comes in a wave, lasts for four or five hours to two or three days. Goes away for a week maybe two and all of the sudden here it is again. I ve  taken  several courses of antibiotics, maybe they helped?? Back it comes, tested for Gardie , nope not that, Sometimes it seems as if Gracie gets it too, did we eat unwashed food? Was it something they gave to us in a flu shot??  I went and seen Josh, a nurse practitioner, he put me on a pain pill, cymbalta 30 mg,clonazepam , priolosec for my stomach, as I was living on tums, I was 200 pounds. Said I needed to find stress release and exercise and come back in tree months, so I went raw.
    I went home and went 100% raw, quit taking all the pills and did better for 90 days.I also lost twenty pounds. But I still was not feeling well, bad  headaches, high gut dis comfort, so I went back. They tested my blood sugar, it is normal, thyroid, normal, pancreas, normal, heart, great. They did a stool work up, normal.They also did  a hormone spit test. This was slightly off. Low on both estradol(?) and progesterone.  So at this point they want me to have an upper GI. Might as well. There is some question of celiac disease. They also put me on progesterone and fish oil and magnisum.
   So here is kinda what I think, I think  I am having menopausal symptoms, I do think the progesterone will help. Same with the fish oil and the magnisum.  I am going to do a raw food and juice diet for thirty days with Gracie starting today. I think the headaches and maybe the ear ringing is coming from dehydration. I want this to be mainly a juice diet. I may have to compensate for the upper GI. But really am looking forward to doing this with Gracie. Hope we get some good results. Wish us luck and we will try to stay posted. 

stranger to dinner

Trying to get lined up as I am having a house guest tonight whom I have never met. Some lady who is riding a horse across the United States? Think she is riding for cancer, and has a dog a truck and a horse trailer, hmmm.We shall see, Dad is completely worried about bed bugs!!! Great, sure as heck don't want them. He also says she has a lot of balls to ask folks to put her up, feed her and her horse and her dog and then drive with her to her tomorrow destination leave her truck and trailer and bring her back to her horse and dog and your house so she can leave from there in the morning. We shall see, so far of course she is late? Now what do I hold dinner or what? Tune in tomorrow for more of " As the saddle creaks!"

might not make a rancher

It has been a while, to update you all. Built the new house, moved after thirty years (or so) and have been here about eight months now.It has been a hard move. Don't seem to find the place a very friendly spot. I am not sure if I ll make a rancher or not? It is very isolated here, and the folks are not the artistic type, nor are they the tolerant or intellectual type. So..... where the heck do I come in?  And my poor kids, yikes, there were four kids in the third grade when the year started, my twins made it six and I think we have added one or two more this year. My kids are good kids, good grades quite and polite. Needless to say it has been quite a learning curve for all of us here. But the saddest thing for me is I have not seen my kids laugh and play till in eight months. They seem sad, lonely and bored. Well its almost summer and I am not sure what I will do about all this but......hopefully something!!!!!   I did build a stunning home.

December 26 2011

Wow it has been quite a journey and I am about to say o.k. and start off in a new direction, lil  Gracie and I. This one is a diet and health journey that is hopefully going to take up this coming year and be a great journey full of success's.

building a home with log

Building a home with log, working a ranch, raising twins, watching them come and go, fall between the cracks and die! What a time of life. But I read these other blogs and I think what the fuck, who are you and where oh where is your life. Besides in mediocrity-ville. No offense but have you ever just sat down on a mountain side for a week and thought about life? My god all the ipods and cell phones, TVs ,new houses, cars and latest gadgets just make me want to become a hermit! I spend all my time running away from them in my own house. Superficiality right?  I do not have the answer's but I think about where its all heading at least, I wonder if the young people even have a chance for retrospective? My plan is to spend the summer, with  my kids and no phones, no computers, no vidio games, outside studing nature, creating, playing and growing. Well for now such is a rant.

Hoping to finish an be moving in in June??!!

This is the new house as of January 2011

March madness

March has been quite stressful and I am dealing with it quite well, so far and knock on wood. I think part of the reason I am is that I have been in the process of learning how to eat raw. I guess I am about fifty to seventy per cent raw. I love it and I can absolutely feel a big difference. I feel cleaner and more energy. Less stomach and bowel problems. I have also decided that the cell phone and the computer have got to go at least for the summer, as soon as school is out and the house is done. They are stressful for me and they take away from my healthful path. I want to spend more time with my kids. I want to have fun with my kids. I want to hike and explore, sleep out side, create gardens and paths, swim, fish, do art and take trips, I want to learn how to ride a horse with Gracie, see Tucker learn to ride a motorcycle, write more poems, grow more food, go bare foot and lose weight, love more worry less and live to the fullest with out a whole lot of outside influence. I am hoping the transition to all of us living together is a smooth journey and the right coarse to take in our lives. I want peace, simple joy and wholesome living. My kids need this. I am looking forward to helping Vicky some and I hope it will be enough help for her?? Not sure how much I will be able to do an d I am not looking for a full time job, I am looking for balance in my life and kinda feeling my age, and I am ready not to work so hard, but to create more. I am excited and scared at the same time. But I like who I am becoming and I like who I am today mostly, except for the stress so here's to the next year and it feels good to write in here!!

get er done

wow , break on through to the other side. I have nt looked up in months and what I have created in that time is nothing short of amazing!!! The house of course is what i am talking about and I am so proud of it. I know one thing it is original and it is all mine and no one can ever take that away. How cool is that.It so gorgoues and uneek, I am loving it . in a few short months now we hopefully will be living in it and I know i will be missing this home, but time will build a new life and I have writing deadlines to meet and freinds to make and life moves on and I am loving it, miss reading here and I will be back, almost over the hump. Hello to any one and all, later for now

January 2011,
Still building the house but I can't wait to down load some photos and I know they wont even do it justice. Ha things are going well, fingers crossed! Mr man, Papa has Gracie for the night  and I have T lee weaver and its nice, he and I went and bought a couple of finch's today and I am loving it. Coffee Kitty attacked the cage with in twenty minutes and knocked it off the counter and the bottom flew off, you talk about the ------- hitting the fan\. T and I screaming, birds flying, cats going nuts and Newfie all one hundred and fifty pounds of her barking at the cats and sending bird seed and water flying! I got the cats and put em in the bedroom, newfie was no problem, what a dog, we caught the birds fixed the cage took a deep breath and I love listening to the little guys twitter and chirp, makes me feel whole tonight  and some how fills the void that is wanting spring to come and tired of  winter

I will be back

Hi world,
Not willing to give up my blog but, no time! We are full swing building the house and I will be posting as we go but....... wow am I ever busy. The house is so fabulous, I am on pins and needles as it is my baby from the ground up so I worry I will make some major screw up but so far so good, fingers crossed.
For now see ya soon

work out

Did a half hour on the tread mill intending to do half hour more yet today. O.K. its a start. nothing else is forth coming today so what the hell at least I did that much.
We went fishing yesterday and it was the best fishing I personally have ever done. Yikes cut throuts as big as my fore arm as fast as you could bait and take them off. Fun day, Papa Andy enjoyed himself a lot, we all did, even the kids caught fish. So tonight I will be cooking fish for supper with fresh corn from Benson's garden, Dixon melons fresh and local and some of my own zucchinis. My only problem is I am tired from a wild couple days and my dog has her feelings hurt because she has been ostracised from the house.She is such a baby and wants only to be where ever I am at all times. Which is every thing I ever wanted in a dog! Now that I have it I can't handle it, go figure. She is a Newfoundland. I wanted her because of Lord Byron's epitaph to a dog. Which I love. She is by far the best dog I have ever had and I have always had a dog, but whoa Daddy she ....sheds. Like nothing I have ever encountered. Its every where, on the dish's, and the towels, the bed, in the fridge, on the stove, the floor is covered with hair despite being swept and mopped every day, she is brushed etc. So I am thinking of designing her Namma's. Slinky dog pj's that contain the hair. But I have had to put her in the laundry room at night and outside during the day. What else can I do????

ahh this is it for christs sake

Guten tak,
Humm here I am, there you are. This is it. Up the hawes (sp?) pipe. Have you ever heard a singer warm up,well this is how a writer does it.
I am off on another one of me own tangents, diet wise. I am off and tired and this keyboard is not the treadmill this a.m.. Pisserie, not only can't think, I can't spell either, been quite a hiatus. We are really building our house and I have been doing that not this in case you were in some kinda doubt, which I don't see how you could have been. It is going to be fabulous. Fuck this I need to exercise. See ya

day 1

O.k. I am in misery.
My diet has gone south. To busy and not at home. Town has always been my downfall, bla bla ...Whatever the excuses.
But I am sick. This time it feels different, if I eat something it takes about ten minutes and I start feeling dizzy, bloated, yukky and burpy. Is it just wheat???? Yes I have been eating some breads donuts etc.. Now I have been almost off of these things for a couple years. I miss them and will have bits and pieces here and there, but nothing major. Well it seems I have thrown all caution to the wind lately and have had quite a bit? Don't know why? I am also tired, so for now I am going to go back to my careful way of eating. No more of this sitting up at one o clock in the morning with a glass of soda water, trying to throw up whats killing me.

Bears

Hmmm, something came up on the porch, where the rabbits and cats sleep most of the time and took a twenty five pound sack of cat food. Went over a five foot wire fence, flattening it to the ground as it did, up the hill to a large pine and preceded to eat the entire bag.  I'd say the bear is back. Great, hope he doesn't care for caged rabbit. It was cold and rainy so I had Newfie in the house. A year ago we had a large boar Grizzly behind the house, with a reputation of being ornery.Then Andy ran into a sow with cubs this spring right back here so..... I gotta buy more cat food!

Shadows lenghtening

Spring in the mountains

Spring in the Rocky Mountains, is there anywhere like home to all of us

Babys in the mirror

Up on the game range above the house. Mine own once again. TLee was wise to me.

The forth with my four kids and four Grandkids, Andy and his sis Vicky

Blog

New blog , view blog, blog blog blog.
Wanting to keep posting but feeling pointless here. I miss my old journal. I did not have any expectations of it.
Trying to get back on track around here but I forgot where the track is. Life is in such limbo. Not sure I like that
much anymore. One day at a time as they say and hope for the best.

Missing poetry

I ve misquito bites on my toes from in the night, I hate that!
Hot days are here and I miss the cool already.
The news of the earth scares me.
I feel alone, in my crowd.
Diet seems to be working quite well.

The Tibetan monk

I have been playing around with a raw diet. Kind of an interesting way to go I suppose, tough when my mother was one of the greatest cooks of all time. But...... I can not cook like her! Albeit I am a good cook just not in her category!!!! Must admit I feel better eating the raw diet almost immediately. I had a head ache that surprised me at for the first two days, from lack of coffee. So I had some, it helped and now I am weaning myself down. I miss the thought of coffee and my morning ritual but other than that not much. Yes it is surprising how well I feel, and  then yesterday was a party for the kids birthday, cake and ice cream, hot dogs etc. I ate lightly but still felt the poison in my system. It is rough to be a large cattle ranchers wife and want to go raw vegetarian with an organic twist. nuf said
It is so beautiful outside I can't settle my mind to the drudgery at hand. I don't feel like much of a wife or mother this morning. More like a dieting artist who wants a boat, and a bike ride. I had a strange dream last night that I was sexual with a tough old cowboy type man who was also a famous rocket engineer and  was dieing of cancer! Whoa.
Well I wonder what advances this week will bring? Hopefully it will bring a completed bank loan, things can be so frustrating for me of little patience or faith. Na  I have tons of faith. That's something I am trying to figure out at the moment,  how to label myself in a religious way. I am not solely an evolutionist, nor am I a covert or a disbeliever, nor am I a believer in any religion that I know of and yet.....I am open to the idea that I do not know. Not only am I open to it, I embrace the fact. I am not meant to know. I have very little education when it comes to religion, a smattering I suppose. So I tend to listen and agree politely. Last week I met a Tibetan monk and have invited him to dinner here at the house, he was completely charming. I am a collector you see. A collector of dinner party guests that are from all walks of life and prove to be interesting to me and my family. Strange habit that I picked up from my parents. Evenings spent with bank robbers and Senators, last summer I had a judge to breakfast who was wonderful. Not to make this sound crude, its more that I believe in being aristocratic.  There has been  murder's to angels at ou table but they were all intelligent, or somehow fascinating to behold. I can remember my father bringing home an old colored man in 1963, who was about eighty years old. It was in the dead of winter and the salvation army was closed for the week end, he was under dressed and going to wait on the sidewalk for some thing to eat for the next three or four days. He was scared. I was a baby child and sat on his lap for three days. When he left he had food, money and warm clothes. There was a man last summer an old character, he was a hoot. His sons and he were traveling with a flat bed truck on which they carried their milking cow!! No lie, they would stop and unload her let her graze, and milk her twice a day. That way they always had sustenance to eat and or sell. He took himself very seriously in a fun way. Ah me in my half Gypsy half Irish and half cultured ways...)) I feel that it is living life in a full and growing way rather than being so ridged as most people are. And yet I too play it safe. There are many I would not care to dine with.
For now the dish's beds floors and breakfasts await!

coming up out of it

I think that some thing about my depression has to do with my gaining weight. That I feel un worthy of a friend ship.No that I feel more than worthy but I feel cheated by the friends that I have. I just want some one to meet me half way in this. I have to move beyond it. I need to exercise.I need to find a cardio workout that involves others that I love. So...... I am going to be o.k.. On my own terms. I have my gratitude also. I have a good life.
I feel myself coming up out of this and I am sorry for anyone who reads the preceding blog of mine but it is part of the process. I have always written myself out of a bad spot. What else are you suppose to do when you don't have any one to talk to.I need a work out.
for now

lonely as she is

I am the loneliest person I know and yet perhaps we are all that lonely. For in the midst of a crowd I stand without a connection to sustain me and I wonder does anyone have a connection? Are we all lonely? Are you? How is it that I am the one who feels so lost. I am glad no one reads this blog because it enables me to be more honest. I am lost. I am depressed.Why. Fucking why. What is wrong with me. How do I change this. Is something wrong that I may never fix?? Why am I so sad. How do I help myself. I have tryed to help everyone else tirelessly. It seems to have made no difference, for them or for myself. I watch the Mcleods daughters, the woman are such sisters to one another and I feel so lonely again. My father and my brother are the only ones in my life that I have ever had a connection with, or I should say that has had a connection with me. I have always wanted to make a special connection with someone. But I give with chips of gold and no one else is giving. Fern, I have been her friend for years but she has a life of her own far away and is only causally interested. Connie, I have always loved and taken time for, every summer going to see her for a week in another town, working to make sure she knows she is my best friend. In thirty years she has stopped by once while passing through, she has never called me, not even one time. Kristy, I loved Kristy to pieces, she was my heart and I was completely loyal, as I am to all my friends, 100% guaranteed, in five years she stopped by once to borrow some money, never once called me. I could go on but it is  pointless. I guess the point is that I still have my first friend and yet I have been hurt and betrayed by every women I have ever taken to my bosom, except my mother. Karen Hooper hurt me the worst of any human being ever. I have had many lovers and have hurt and been hurt, but every one of them with out fail has ended up friends.Men seem to know and to trust where I come from but women seem to hate that part of me? I am so good. How strange this is to say out loud. It is true. I have never done some thing that I am ashamed of or feel guilty for. From the time I was a child I have always been fair. I could not stand to hurt some ones feelings. And yet I have a terrible temper, I am not so good that I do not have my failings.In my own defense it takes tons to make me lose it. Mostly I lose it if you hurt someone else I love. Or if I feel afraid. I am trying to write my way out of this. I wish I could find some one like me. I wish Andy was more like my Father. I wish he knew I existed. He is a good husband and a great dad , but ....... He knows nothing about me. And when I try to show him something I think is important, he brush's it off and makes out that it is not important in the grand scam of things. claims he does not have time to talk to me. He had made this a reality for twelve years. I love him, he is a great man in so many ways, and in his defense all the men in his family are this way. None of them are close to their wife's. In fact quite the opposite. No romance. No smoke and magic. That is what my father has, smoke and magic. The most important thing in his life was my mother. I am not truly important to anyone who can be a companion to me.  I am not sure this will read with the heart feltness with which it was written , nor am I sure that any thing but self pity will come across but I am writing it as sort of a purge. Some one to talk to, some way of getting it out of my system. Will keep on working on this.

Digging in to diet diet diet diet

Woke up this morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt. (Its an Engebretson thing.)
I had a head ache from not drinking enough water.
I am trying to get back on track diet wise this a.m..
Why do I feel so lost there? Lost in general this morning.
I am not finding much encouragement out here in this old blog world. I think some how I felt like
there would be friends of a sort.Kind of a virtual world of support.I try to be that for a few that I read, but maybe I have it all wrong and should back off. They might think I am some strange creep off the Internet.
I am trying to evolve my lifestyle so that we are about exercise more and food less?  Better kind of food, more than just less of it.
I do not eat a lot, but when I make a trip to town, I blow it. It is hard to be hungry and go to town with or with out the kids and try to eat in the restaurants and not over eat or eat the wrong kind of foods.I started dieting in January and I did real well for a couple months, say three months and then I hit a wall of some sort and nothing was moving, I hung out there for a while, too long, then it started tipping in the other direction slowly until it had a sudden slide and I have gained back the fifteen pounds that I had lost. So here I go again starting over on the same pounds. Discouraging. I eat lite, organic, but I have area's where I blow it. I exercise at least three hours a week and lead a active lifestyle.Or so it seems its just not enough. so................

Campus Martius

Campus Martius wrote that he was a better writer when the shit was hitting the fan. More interesting to read at any rate and  now that life was good and settled, he was a boring blogger. I wrote my way through fifteen years of agony. I crawled in the belly of the beast. I drown in it. I lived it. Wore it. Fought it and rolled over for it. Was it more interesting? Yes. Do I miss it? Yes and no. I always said I didn't write my poems, they wrote me. They did and its true that they did. I became a third person. I could distance myself from the pain and the game. I slowly came to realise that what I believed was the foundation of life, was instead,the bane of existence. That all I had once held as reverently so, was not at all so with one small exception. Me. Then slowly I chose to realise, you create your own reality. I set about doing just that. It has become a work in progress. Delightfully so. Other wise it would be boring. I am never bored so how can I be boring? Trust me I can be boring. At least my writing can in the same way that C. M. talks about. It is the fight that is interesting. The struggle. The rapids of the river compared to the slow deep water. The storm. And the fiercer it rages the more interesting it is. To a certain point and then the human struggle becomes pointless. Once you pass the  no return sign, your redundancy and your inability to grow and change, should have and has not ,become self evident and it then becomes boring and completely self destructive. What I was not expecting was how similar our struggles were. That we all fall over the same feet. Love, family, perceived wounds, money, you know the same old tired bull shit. Humans. Some of us write our way through it, others counsel, some find religion.All of us believe we have found the truth, the one true way to look at it.The only one that makes any sense. I find myself saying things like I wish I could see it like they do, it sure would make things easier.  But since two plus two is four I can't buy into that bullshit. I never seem to say what it is exactly that I do believe, just that is different from what every one else believes. Is it so different? We are after all children of our environment. I do believe that I am different. I would venture to say I know this. When I break this down I am surprised to find myself looking for common ground to justify and make my self seem normal. In other words I am only different in a good way. Or I am a normal person that some bad things happened to and I handled them all the right way. What a crock. Why put up that fence. As if being human was not  varied enough to cover the ground that I have covered. Or as if I had some thing to be ashamed of, that god forbid might make me different. Nothing human is foreign to me. We are so similar in our differences. I watch movies and find myself feeling angry because they have the stereotypical conformity down pat. I didn't grow up in a house like that, with clothes and school and parents like that. So does that mean you , you being "the general public", does that mean you can't read me, or comprehend or appreciate what I am trying to say. Because we have no common ground? I have found this to be seemingly the case when it came to my poetry. I always got a reaction, which was good, but not always a good reaction. I can remember my ex's boss who I personally would never have read my poetry to, saying to the room smugly "Oh Kelly we had no idea you were so dark!"
Suddenly I was no longer one of them. Thank God!  Well Campus Martius so much for the rant, thanks for the inspiration.

Tequiero

Ta-care-oh, tequiero, I love you. nice. I like the way it sounds. Quercia is that the other one I was reading. I do not have the book here or I would look it up? humm. That is not it.

Today we must vote for a new sheriff. Then I am off to the big city. Ya right.
So much to do and not with it at all. It feels like my mind and my body were two different places. They are. I at least started back on my diet yesterday. I have gained fifteen pounds. SOB Any who I am back at it and hoping to do better. Had to back forty cup cakes last night for the kids school today, shit! I am not a baker, and not to much of a sweet eater anymore. I prefer me own homemade salsa.
Need to take my cell phone back and trade it in. Boring shit this a.m. I did exercise tough yesterday and will go for a bike ride tonight. ( I hope) well I am off.
I write for me anyway so must remember that.But I find I long for contact from somebody other than the people I make come here and read this. Where are you world, am I that boring? Come on give us a toss.
Blessed we all are and that is not a religious statement from me

My brothers keeper, a poem

Sticky Vicky never made detox.

o.k. just one poem

MY BROTHERS KEEPER

My brother, home for a few days with that gypsy.Dope sick, distracted, agitated and dying. It was then I realized for the first time that my brother had not come home at all, instead death had come. Oily and obsequiously evil, its shadow lingering all around the edges till I wondered if everyone saw it. Death played and caressed their ugliness triumphantly. I shrank from their presence, aware of a strong fear inside of myself. Not only was life itself being thrown away but also the opportunity to die.I found myself being fiercely proud and protective of my ability to bring dignity and grace to my own finial farewell. A feeling of knowing acceptance pervaded my space and spread through me. Warming my heart and my buffalo. While death played over the sugar cubes in the bowl on the checkered cloth and my brothers words droned into empty nothingness. I am no longer my brothers keeper. His soul is now chaperoned by an order far more powerful. His dark riders are gathering. I feel the Indian blood in a  pinto pony where the shadows plunge in the grasses and the sage is of the earth and timeless.

needing name help

I am searching for a name.  Wanting to name the house, the place, this plot of land where I may die? El Milagros. The miracle? Wanting something to do with sky. I ran across a good one in J frank Dobeys the mustangs earlier today but can't remember how to spell it? Any suggestions. I think it may be to hard to pronounce.later date..............

water

Rain lots of it,good for the crops. Personally I am quite pleased with it, we were so dry  and i don't care much for dry. I love a freaken desert don't get me wrong .Just not here where I grew up wading through brook trout laden creeks and froggy filled swamps. Chasing dragon flys and skating through the trees where the ice flows changed the landscapes in the winter. Water, creeks, rivers  and ponds. Swamps, springs, waterfalls. And all of it teaming with wild life. As a ten year old girl my mother would say I 'll start frying spuds you go catch dinner, and I would! Including wild onions and if I was lucky a mushroom or ten, at least a puff ball. And I 'd be back with enough trout to feed a family of seven fish eaters, before the spuds were overcooked. Kept the pole on the porch and I had a piece of goat hide I used for bait a lot. It had dried on to the hook and the fish couldn't strip it. A grass hopper or a worm was prime too, and what we called a Colorado spinner. As fast as my hook hit the water we would have fish. Funny thing  I haven't caught a fish in twenty years. I lived for it then. But I have found I am not much of a fishermen. I was spoiled, I don't like it if I am not catching fish. Now days I have a hard time seeing the line and the knots any way. But water... I am of water. Just a day or two down from viking ancestry so they say. Give me a sea spray any day. Rain hell ya. I am a lousy swimmer.  But I still swim every summer, in any creek  I  get a chance at, in Montana. You didn't make camp with out water. Hardly ever. Even the snow held the promise of water. A storm cloud or a  pregnant women.

Sticky Vicky and the detox center.

Talked with Nate, Vickie is suppose to go in to detox at noon today, god bless her, hope she makes it. She is pretty close to either dieing or an institution. I am sorry to say I do not think she will make it. Harsh I know but she is so bad. I wish it wasn't so. Nate is on the fence.
 Little sticky Vicky,if I could write a poem of your wonder and your wander no one would believe it. I have never known any one like you. No one more betrayed, hurt, lost or given away. No one with as big a heart.You have given your all so long ago and the fact that you still have more to give on a daily basis amazes me. Gimpy crocus . I have known your love, steady and true as a flame. I who would fight for the honor you never had, quicker by far than for my own. Nothing human is foreign to me. In so many ways because of you I have earned the right to say that. Painted bird out side my window which way will the wind blow you today.
I have known the gypsies sense they came in their wagons when I was a child and camped under the stars. But you are the only one I have truly known. In knowing you I have little respect for the modern gypsies of today. My own Great Grandfather was an Irish tinker. As tough as a little walnut knot. Horse's were his life, and campfires and stars. Never slept inside. Passing down his wild wood ways, his outlaw ism. But love was as strong or stronger than any of the rest of it. Loyal and kind. Mischievous and magical the wizened old man who lost his eye and raised his grandson full of smoke and magic. Mis leadee enikee tuddys me truls. I remember.My tiny little grandmother, kelly indeed, with her round brown eyes and her gifts of sight, stolen away by a drunken Norwegian Viking in the night.
Yes Vicky I will always have a soft spot for you to fall too, you are my sister, in reverent horror I will silently accept your fate. Knowing some are beyond the  pale. Blessing's on you child of fortune, shine as you will while there is still time.

living just behind normal

Lost in a lost world. I stand a stranger too.
Seeing through eyes dry as bone.
Your children's children.Tis my soul that blames, not me.
 No I know better then to disrupt this harmony.
 Normal is it?  Aahh indeed.
What you seek and see you've found.
Falsely cherish such neutral ground.
You walk away as if you could. As if  alone, you've always stood.
 So the  clothes you wear will make this a better day.
 Hiding damaged goods that passed this way.
His family, now that's what counts. Selling phony by the ounce.
You've been here and you've been there. And every one so proud.
Just the sacrifices that you've made,
 after all for crying out loud.
Then  I a stranger, see, in my garden with my tea,
passing  judgement on you and he, oh so randomly.
Yes, yes mark me.
 You will never run so fast that you can out run your past.
 The secret  is to embrace what you are and what you've been.
To meet your maker with a grin.
Yes yes I know,
someone else to blame
 for the sins
that are not your own.

publishing bla's

Living large. Very cool is Jan Lim came in third place in a mt. bike jamboree, third place for women something like two hundred and sixty sixth over all. Still very good. I am off to exercise, starting to feel a little better today. Can't wait to dig in and work out hard. We took the kids, Andy and I last night and went for a bike ride, they did not do to well? So we must ride every day we can, from now on. No snow must go.
I am wanting to publish my book. I have not written any thing new lately have been way to busy for that, but publishing my book of poems is turning into a night mare???? Who wants to publish poetry, no one it seems. I have a handful of writer acquaintances and I have talked to them, they have books on hold because no one is wanting to publish poetry. But if I put anything on the Internet it becomes basically un -publishable! I have not sent my poems to anyone and I should do that, just don't know who to send them to. No one has any advice. I have seen a number of self published mistakes and I am not ready for that. I would like to publish mostly for my father, and I am feeling pressured because of his age. I must get my ass in in gear.
For now I am out of time, must go work out. Kudos to Jane.

read with caution!

Good morning world,
I find myself inspired by nutrition. Brain foods like walnuts, fish, chocolate, berry's, green veggies and turmeric. So there.haha  Mama had Alzheimer's you see.  Also would like to put some thought into buying stocks???  Any ideas out there?
  I know I seem to be all over  the  place this morning and I am but its only because I am turning over a lot of stones trying to find a niche where I can free fall so to speak on the web and make money doing it, with out cheapening my integrity. Know what I mean? Free fall, ya I mean by that to be able to continue to be honest and eclectic and still have value. People come from all over seeking my advice here at home. I have a natural instinct for the human experience. I know that a lot of this has been because  I have had bad depression. But also my street smarts.Dad always said with pride we were the kinda of people you could come to and tell us you just killed your neighbor and we wouldn't freak out or call the law on you. But we would tell you what you should do in your best interest. People usually make their own situations more complicated than they need to. But my point is this, I could offer a lot of life advice. Mind you I am no dear abbey. Still I know so much from hunting and homesteading to traveling just a lot of different areas that seem to be missed by "Opera" !! There are a whole lot of people out there that do not live the dream nor do they want to. I don't. I want a parallel universe. I want an alternative lifestyle to the alternative lifestyle. Where do the junkies and the trailer trash and the sign flyer's go when they need something besides a welfare line. Not that I am trying to find common ground there either, I suppose there is none , but there are folks out here that don't belong to any body. Rich, poor and in between. Where are they. How do they find me.How do I find them. Why am I so alone? Does anybody know what I am trying to say? Have you ever stood in a room with people you feel no connection to what so ever. Watched a movie and thought why do they assume we all want our lives to be so stereotypical? Is no one out there different? Most especially women. I still feel even here that my words are to hard to understand. If not to hard what, uninteresting? Perhaps.  I am a poet. A really good one. No one will ever read my poems. The ones that have for the most part don't understand them, can't relate to them or could care less.  My Father loves them, my brother and my Uncle are my greatest fans. But why. Is it only because they are family and find common ground there? I really wish I could elicit a response from some one out on the Internet. I  feel like I don't exist out there. Anyone there?
Please do not mind my ranting. Just a morning full of frustration. I am living in limbo hell right now so .... Blessed be.

Journals

The one thing that I worry about writing here every day is that I am using this for a daily journal instead of my regular journals. I have kept a journal for years and I love to be able to go to my library and see many years of writing there even though I rarely read them, in fact other than a few I have never reread them. I wouldn't doubt if Dad  has  not read his. But I find reading his quite entertaining and Mom loved reading mine. So I may have to share my writing time some how, in the mean time I am going to print off some of this writing and keep it also. Its not that its writing worth keeping its simply that it is at all. I wish I had more of my mothers writing. I wish she had written down the things that were so important to her. Family was, Her family side was so into lineage. It was very important who was who. Marriages and births, royal things like Uncle Nells was Duke Daulburg etc.I don't know it. I always thought Mom would be around and I would write it all down. Now it is lost. Her cooking, her famous cooking! All gone. She worked sixteen hour days for almost sixty years with complete absorbing passion  to learn how to cook. Everyday she was trying something new but at the same time she had perfected everything. Her Oriental food alone was to die for, her breads,stews,Curry's, ,wines, liquors ,cheeses, cakes, and pastry's, her sausages all from scratch.Most of it on a wood cook stove with water hauled from a creek!! Such an amazing woman. Gone. With only a handful of recipes that survive her.I do have a journal that she gave me, I have my Uncle Jesse.s journals and I have about thirty years of my fathers daily journals, I have about fifteen years of daily journals.In looking back at my own I see so much wasted time growing up, its a bit discouraging. I love to read journals and I wonder at some of my favorites like May Sarton. She seemed so together somehow at least when it came to her writing. Her love life was what it was and I think her writing came a good deal out of loneliness and pain. Who's doesn't. Even Dr Sheehans books on running, which are so exercise high inspired have pain in them.Oh speaking of that, my bike is down. Bummer. The back tire is flat and from the looks of things it'll  be about a week before I have a car to haul anything in.
I have been working every day here out side trying to get the place caught up. Made the shed into a bunk house and mowed most of the lawn. Cleaned the porch off and took down the Christmas lights. Cleaned out an big trunk full of old paint. Still have to sweep out the shop, finish mowing and go through my storage van. Plus a million other small projects.Its starting to look pretty good around here again. Its a little cold out side and the propane line was severed yesterday with the lawn mower so all the pilot lights are out in the house. I have to get those lit. Spooky job. I can't imagine any of this being interesting to read about, so I suppose I should quit. The trouble with me is there is not a lot of input and or stimuli at this point in my life so I have to look into the daily grind to find pulp! Dad and I were talking yesterday about the absence of women who have chosen to become hermits or solitary beings, like Buddha or old mountain men type hermits? As far as I know even nuns are with other nuns. Anyway its interesting. For now.................

bike ride!

yo ho ho, I finished my log this morning and went for a tough but great bike ride. Only about five miles but up most of the way till I turned back. I went last night too, proud of my self, also worked out for one hour yesterday.

From Montana to a Malaysian diet ;) wink :)))))) giggle :D laugh

My moments of peace. I feel selfish with my time and I horde it jealously. Soon the day will begin for the rest of the world around me and then its go go go. Even in" my time" its hard not to be thinking about what I will cook for dinner, what my daily agenda looks like. Its hard to find your creativity when you do that. But I am not complaining I know how lucky I am, its more that I am trying to carve out a piece of the day to say hello to myself. Its a toss up because of exercise. I need the time to exercise too. Some of that I can do with the kids and family.
I went and visited Pen sang Malaysia on google last night. Very beautiful. Lots of temples and wondrous buildings, it looks very warm and tropical? I did not have much time to check it out but it made me want to know more.  So I thought, you know someone who comes to my site may feel the same way. Whats Montana like to live in? What was it about Jane lims site that inspired me?
Janes site inspired me because of her self discipline. Her passion for bike riding. The shots of the mountains and the city. The obvious effort she puts into her life. I want that in my site. Not that I want to copy her, no quite the opposite, I am inspired by her to put more effort into my own life.Not only do I want that in my site, I want that in my life! So how do I do that. I am familiar with it because I used to have it. That kind of self discipline. I was in unbelievable shape. I was in such good shape that it has taken twenty some years of doing nothing to get out of shape. Sad but true. And in my own defense it was a trade off. I was single and had all the time in the world. Then quite unexpectedly I became a "Mom" to three half grown children. Overnight my life changed. Suddenly I was the one still up folding laundry at 11:00 at night dog tired. Then my mother got Alzheimer's. I started taking care of her full time and raising three kids, looking after my dad. Then I met and married Andy and got pregnant and had twins.All of this was on my plate at one time.I really did not have any help, Andy was gone working for weeks at a time and when he did come home he was beat down so far himself all he could do was rest. I was over whelmed and didn't have five minutes to look up. Slowly things changed, Momma died, the kids grew up and moved away, I still have the twins and Grampa, Andy still works non stop. But things have eased up.I feel like I need to look to myself more now, to take care of myself and to find a niche for me.I know that when my father is gone, I will be lost. So I am trying to build a life of creativity to fall back on.I have a tendency to be a sensitive person and my Husband and his family are not. I could be hurt accidentally by their well meaning insensitivity. Does that make any sense?  It does to me, it does to my father. He has encouraged me the last couple years tremendously. He is my greatest fan. He loves my poetry. I have not written a poem sense my mother died.  I wrote my way through my own hard times. I have always written and I hope I always will.
I could put the journey of the diet down, the journey of trying to get back in shape at fifty.  Just building the house is a challenge I wish I had, had a mentor for. But I think Jane Lim is right, work harder on the exercise. Eat differently. Some of the food on her site looks so good! The spaghetti oh my gosh, but I do not know what it is or how to make it. It almost looks like a curry. I also noticed that she was heavier in 2007 when she first started her journals. It was cool to see that she has changed and she might not even notice herself. We have been trying to guess how old she is. Twenty eight, thirty I have no idea, ha ha she looks good.I think she is a doll. I think I will get going and go for a bike ride, I also think I will start documenting my diet here, maybe!! for now me friends blessings.

Jane Lim

Jane lim
 I want to say a couple words in honor of her site and her life which I admire. Hers is the first site I have gone to and left a comment on and I did this because I was feeling down and uninspired. I was bummed out because adsense kicked me out and my site was not going to be making any money etc.. Then I was feeling bad because I have gained back ten pounds, and was just sick of trying to eat less and exercise more, bla bla bla  But I accidentally found Jane lim, her father has passed away and she was sad, I understood how that felt. I do not understand all the bike lingo on her site but I understand it is a passion for her. I could not wait to get up this morning and go to her site. I wonder silly questions about her life. Where does she live. Does she work. Is she married? Anyway for now I have an appt. and I am afraid I would like to have said it all better but my friends to Jane Lim salutations!!

WOMAN TO WOMAN

Well I am all around ideas on my blog. Wanting to be eclectic and yet at the same time have a theme. My theme is woman to woman. I am a very strong woman and I am proud of myself, where I have come from  and what I can do. My theme covers, family, depression, menopause,addiction, children,building a home, ranching, caring for elderly parents,poetry, animals,learning to live on a as little as possible, gardening, dreams, inspiration,art and creativity.I guess when I look at  all of this, it is covered by woman to woman. Health and diet.Prison, having loved ones in prison. Foster care. What I want is open discussions about these things. Some one writing in and saying what about this or have you ever thought about doing that.I am a very intelligent, creative person and I love men, (most especially a couple of them!) Write to me about your wife, how you love her. What is it about her that is special. My title an answer 2, means to me, an answer, to living life with out effort. With out thought or passion.In other words put some effort in and some direction and make a lifestyle happen that is rewarding. That will give your children some sense of value of their own. Teach them to be strong healthy and happy. Teach them to care for the earth. Teach them that nothing from addiction to prison should define them. Let us continually define ourselves no matter how old we are. Then you just keep fine tuning. Polish comes in time. So many people let bad things that happen define them. They forever handicap themselves with a bad childhood, or marriage etc. Recreate yourself is what I say. I have experienced it all and I deal with my problems every day, but they do not tell the world or myself who I am or what I am capable of. I do that.   Diet. I am really struggling with that. I have been dieting for five months right now. I have lost ten pounds  to date. Two weeks ago I had lost fifteen. I hate being fat. But even if I end up that way, there are worse things. I was very slim all my life, (by comparison) Then at forty three I had in vetro fertilisation and was pregnant with triplets. At eight months I lost one of the babies, delivered via cesarean, twins. But I never lost all of the weight. Then I went on cymbalta and I gained twenty pounds. I used to smoke years ago, I quit and gained twenty pounds. So here I am today fat and happy. Except when I am not,ha ha. I am happier in the last ten years than I ever have been in my life. I am all over the page with this I know, but I am hoping to spark an interest here or there that might come in and leave a comment, or as I said open up a dialog.for now I guess that is my morning rant. Hope you get something out of it.

Amish

I am frustrated. I have designed a number of house's at this point. Each one less elaborate than the one before. Down to half the square footage, less corners no fancy items. All I want is good bones, windows, roof and floors. Any one of those three things I am willing to sacrifice for the money issue if I have to. I think I can work on the place for the rest o f my life. If it has good bones. Always improving it, making it into a home my great grand children will inherit. Or even a strangers family as long as they can love it. What does it take to make you love a home?? I don't question my design, its good, that's not the problem. The problem is somewhere else.
I won't get the house I have designed. I can't. The money issue won't let me. That's sad to me, I don't need fancy, I just want good quality.That's the one thing I can't have. It costs to much. Four hundred thousand dollars wont build this house, so they say.

I have struggled to find out what we needed as a family. Every one had an opinion. Then I struggled to find out what it was that I, wanted.Then I designed it and it was to expensive. It was too large. To many corners, stones, bathrooms, hot tubs, pools, fancy kitchens, windows,too much square footage. Three stories was wrong, one level, wrong. No basement, wrong. Each time I redesigned it.

Then you begin to mistrust the builders as they bid because you soon find hugh discrepancies in the same items from the same place? Is it the difference in how one man builds as  compared to another? Who will build it right. Every man is the best, just ask him! The sad part is that there is nothing new in my story. Every one out there that is building is going through it. If only my Dad and my Uncles were alive. My Grampa. We were like an Amish family in some strange way. Hard good workers, and a family that would have pitched in and done this for me.And each and every one of them would have  built some special thing for me in to the place. But all but Dad are dead and gone. Thirteen of them. And now I have strangers who try to tell me I don't know up from down! Young men who have never even been scared, or hungry, in love or lost.Hard to have respect or ask for respect. In my Uncles and my Dad you respected them first by the way they carried themselves. In the end you respected them most, by the way you carried yourself, when you were around them.

I mentioned the Amish, I have written to two of them and Andy talked with some yesterday. Perhaps they can help us? Or the Hudderites or the Mennonites? Some how I feel it would be wonderful to have them build it. Some how that would be the right way to do this. It's funny because I knew the spot on the hill where we will build when I stood there the first time, I just knew it was where the house should go. Then I knew it should be log. I knew Andy the first time I danced with him the same way.  I knew I would be with him for a long time.I knew my children's names were the right ones.  Ya even I get the point, at this point.ha ha  It would be nice if it worked out but first I need to find a way to communicate with them?

We should have more bids coming in this week and maybe for the next couple weeks. I guess we have to do what its going to take to build this house and not spend an absolute fortune doing it. I do not want my Papa to put more money into it than we have planned. I know he will but I do not want that. For the moment I am done, talk to ya later

Directions

Hey I ve lost a couple pounds! almost down to where I was when I started dieting!Brother, if that's not frustrating I don't know what is. Keep on keeping on. This living in limbo is a little rough.
 I was mad at Andy last night. He was suppose to come home for supper then  in the morning he and I would get up around five  and leave for Helena to look at a job, after that  we were going to talk with some house folk. Bobbie would get up at five and come over and help me then get the kids off to school for us, way earlie for her but no problem. He said he would be late so I had dinner ready everybody lined out, about ten thirty I called the ranch to see if any one had heard from him, he was there. Didn't even call me as per usual. ERRRRR That's just Andy. He worked until just before I called and had just walked in the house. One track mind he has.
So who knows what today will bring, I may meet him in gold creek, but won't know until later. I want to do as much as I can away from home while I have Bobbie to help with things here when I am gone.

wife

A wife. Being a good wife.  A good mother. It takes work.
It has to be a two way street. It takes a good husband to make a good wife. Or is this true? I am a good person, a loyal wife.
I have grown up some. So I am a better wife now than I was. I have a good husband.He is my rock. I could not ask for more. He is not demonstrative in ways I wish he were, but I know how he feels about me.I should work harder to be a better wife. I am quite strong willed about things independently.So is he. We are a great match, but I could be better.I could be more careful how I spend money, he never complains. I could cook more and diet to my self.He never complains. I could be a better mother to our children. Spend more time reading with them and playing with them. They always complain,ha ha no they don't they are great kids.I like the idea of being a good wife. There is something special and immortal  about being a wife and a mother.A mother can do so much damage to a child  even when trying to do well.I watch movies from time to time and I see people put the baby in some distant room from their own crying and screaming against ever instinct they have and it gives me cold shivers. Get the bottle ready right away, no breast, no kangarooing as they call it. I watched a man in the restaurant the other day with his wife beside him and was convinced he hated his child. His rage was tangible. Clenched teeth and hissing spit he told the child not to move, about a four year old boy with two boys on either side of him. People see children as things to be molded to conform to what they think is right and wrong, good and bad.Not as baby's who have only instincts and energy. Some thing to be disciplined in to shape. And every lousy parent out there is the one who screams the loudest  about how you should be raising your kid. Raised in fear with tons of rules to rebel against when they get to be just a little older.My sin is spoiling my kids. And its a bad one. I buy them way to much crap.I need to work on myself there, I suppose it's my own guilt for not spending enough time with them.

Mothers day

It's mothers day here and my kids woke me up with first grade home made cards that are such a delight! Hugs and kiss's and we stayed in bed with the Newfie and two kittens for a couple hours, it was fun. Then they made me coffee and now its my computer time. Very sweet way to start a day. My friend Kathy called and her mother, Lillian kelly stensrude passed away this morning at like 5:30. I will miss her very much she was a living doll. I hope Kathy can be at peace now. My brother Nate also called he was flying a sign on the wall in Oregon. Living the life, Vicky was still drunk from the night before but said a real sweet happy mothers day to me.Have not heard from my Husband yet, may or may not as he's at the ranch drilling, hopefully if it did not rain to much last night. With any luck he will get it done today. You know one of my greatest joys right now is my Newfoundland dog. She is a handful. Pain in the butt! Messiest dog I've ever seen but smart, sweet,lovable oh yes.And she is my dog. She loves the kids she loves everyone of us but bottom line she is my dog. I love her totally.She is a hoot.In the morning she doesn't want out when she barks at you, No she wants you to get up! Same thing at night, enough is enough. She will suddenly take a stance and in a very loud authoritative voice bark, bark, bark, bark and that means it's time to go to bed with me mom. It's the darnedest thing!Took me a while to figure out what she was saying. Grampa Murray just is nuts about her, spoils her rotten. He wants one and I plan on getting him one soon. I hope.
I will take Bobbie and her kids into town to meet up with there Dad later. Then I don't know from there, most likely get some soup for Dad from china buffet. Wish I could take me mommy in law a card but that is a bit much for the day so I think instead we will do something for her next weekend. Still no word from anyone on anything so just waiting to here. I always said that I was to learn patience in this life.Not that I have more than one life grant you, just that I will be forced to learn it and I could use that lesson anytime now.

DEPRESSION

Seems I ve had a brief hiatus.
Not sure I am up to this yet but nothing ventured../.. you know. Andy and I are counting on a few blokes to bring us in on the money end of this house and its a nerve racking time for me. All we can do is wait a couple more weeks. I want to spill the beans all now and scream out loud but best to wait, as I am slowly learning.You see it seems as soon as I say this is the way some thing is going to be on this house thats the time for the whole flippen deal to slide sideways on me. So until the boat quits rocken I am not talken.
 I have been sick with the flu, pretty much over that but now, I am kinda down. This house deal. So I ve totally blown my diet which doesn't help either. At least I can see that when I get depressed I eat. So I medicate with food. Novel flippen idea. The only thing I can do is work, thats what always brings me up out of the muck. Today was a little rough and I have company of the best kind here right now so I don't want to be to depressed. Bobbie's baby's are home for Mothers day weekend and the littlest guy Erik just loves his nanna kelly. So here's the plan....
Tomorrow I get up, work out and get physical around here. I want to tackle the back room and the yard, plus I am ready to get back on my diet.Should take a load or two of bobbies things up to storage.I have to fight feeling worthless or not giving a care about anything. I don't really like to talk about this part of me but it's very real and it's whats on my plate so if I am going to be honest with my readers
I feel obligated to tell them the whole story to the best of my ability. I am a manic depressive person, I think. Never been diagnosed as one except by myself but I am certain I am. Or at least borderline somehow. I love my manias. Which is either work or creativity, to the point of what feels like genius and is quite the high. I love the high. But the other side is not so pretty. I take cymbalta,which even though I believe it saves my life, I hate. It robs me of my highs and worse of my creativity, but for my family's  sake and truly for  my own I must take it. It has made me a much more even keeled person than I have ever been. Thank goodness. I love who I am and I get by ninety per cent of the time just fine. I have had a few "episodes" in my life. Pretty scary, don't know how I made it except for the last time  when I went and seen a doctor who helped me. It seems strange to put this out there, scary also.But my  strength is in who I am not who I am trying to be. I believe in being a good person. I work hard to be a good person. Not for anyone else's sake so much as for my own. It helps me get through life knowing I  care so deeply. Knowing I am a good person.

front view of the place.

El milagro this is my baby read the comment