life is rough

December 2013 already and yet I  look at my last blog and it feels like I wrote it so long ago. It was the best of times it was the worst of times. It reminds me oddly of " Back to the future," when he says " its your kids!"
I am so lost so sadly horrifically lost. I am not sure how I got here or why, but.... my little love my precious angel, mine own Tucker lee is sick, He has just changed so much since the move and this summer it escalated out of control. I took him in to a Doctor and had him evaluated, His primary illness is ODD, secondary ADHD, borderline depressed, leaning in the direction of bi polar. He is eleven. How did this happen. He said it in Bad lieutenant  when he said "where the fuck were you!"
My baby is so incredibly messed up. Oh my god. I see it now, and it gets worse every day. I can hardly handle him and I know I am losing him. I love him so much. He is so lost inside of this monster. I have no support here. No body sees it like I do. He won't act like he does around me in front of his dad. I can't talk to either one of my own kids. Me, I have helped so many kids in my life and yet I can't seem to help my own. He can't listen to me, he puts his hands over his ears and screams that I am a liar. Gracie is his twin, he hates her, she loved him so much and he adored her and now she is so hurt inside that she has become a mute. She literally can not communicate about anything.
We have tried two meds, that are not helping at all. For Tucker I mean. I am trying to get Gracie into see the Doctor. Its so complecatied and so sad. I just want to help my babies and I don't know how. I feel like so much of this is my own fault, I know better and yet a spade is a spade. Its all so crazy, we have gone to a lady counsler who wants me to leave my husband.  Andy is, in denial. So is his family and unfortunalty so are Tuckers teachers. Andys on the school board. In a small town. His son is not mentally ill, all he needs is a good kick in the ass, I spoil him. But Andy loves him and trys to understand where I am coming from. I forgot who was right or wrong anymore. I know I don't trust myself any more. Probably when I need to most.
For tonight sleep my angels sleep, I love you more than life itself.