lonely as she is

I am the loneliest person I know and yet perhaps we are all that lonely. For in the midst of a crowd I stand without a connection to sustain me and I wonder does anyone have a connection? Are we all lonely? Are you? How is it that I am the one who feels so lost. I am glad no one reads this blog because it enables me to be more honest. I am lost. I am depressed.Why. Fucking why. What is wrong with me. How do I change this. Is something wrong that I may never fix?? Why am I so sad. How do I help myself. I have tryed to help everyone else tirelessly. It seems to have made no difference, for them or for myself. I watch the Mcleods daughters, the woman are such sisters to one another and I feel so lonely again. My father and my brother are the only ones in my life that I have ever had a connection with, or I should say that has had a connection with me. I have always wanted to make a special connection with someone. But I give with chips of gold and no one else is giving. Fern, I have been her friend for years but she has a life of her own far away and is only causally interested. Connie, I have always loved and taken time for, every summer going to see her for a week in another town, working to make sure she knows she is my best friend. In thirty years she has stopped by once while passing through, she has never called me, not even one time. Kristy, I loved Kristy to pieces, she was my heart and I was completely loyal, as I am to all my friends, 100% guaranteed, in five years she stopped by once to borrow some money, never once called me. I could go on but it is  pointless. I guess the point is that I still have my first friend and yet I have been hurt and betrayed by every women I have ever taken to my bosom, except my mother. Karen Hooper hurt me the worst of any human being ever. I have had many lovers and have hurt and been hurt, but every one of them with out fail has ended up friends.Men seem to know and to trust where I come from but women seem to hate that part of me? I am so good. How strange this is to say out loud. It is true. I have never done some thing that I am ashamed of or feel guilty for. From the time I was a child I have always been fair. I could not stand to hurt some ones feelings. And yet I have a terrible temper, I am not so good that I do not have my failings.In my own defense it takes tons to make me lose it. Mostly I lose it if you hurt someone else I love. Or if I feel afraid. I am trying to write my way out of this. I wish I could find some one like me. I wish Andy was more like my Father. I wish he knew I existed. He is a good husband and a great dad , but ....... He knows nothing about me. And when I try to show him something I think is important, he brush's it off and makes out that it is not important in the grand scam of things. claims he does not have time to talk to me. He had made this a reality for twelve years. I love him, he is a great man in so many ways, and in his defense all the men in his family are this way. None of them are close to their wife's. In fact quite the opposite. No romance. No smoke and magic. That is what my father has, smoke and magic. The most important thing in his life was my mother. I am not truly important to anyone who can be a companion to me.  I am not sure this will read with the heart feltness with which it was written , nor am I sure that any thing but self pity will come across but I am writing it as sort of a purge. Some one to talk to, some way of getting it out of my system. Will keep on working on this.