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Good morning world,
I find myself inspired by nutrition. Brain foods like walnuts, fish, chocolate, berry's, green veggies and turmeric. So there.haha  Mama had Alzheimer's you see.  Also would like to put some thought into buying stocks???  Any ideas out there?
  I know I seem to be all over  the  place this morning and I am but its only because I am turning over a lot of stones trying to find a niche where I can free fall so to speak on the web and make money doing it, with out cheapening my integrity. Know what I mean? Free fall, ya I mean by that to be able to continue to be honest and eclectic and still have value. People come from all over seeking my advice here at home. I have a natural instinct for the human experience. I know that a lot of this has been because  I have had bad depression. But also my street smarts.Dad always said with pride we were the kinda of people you could come to and tell us you just killed your neighbor and we wouldn't freak out or call the law on you. But we would tell you what you should do in your best interest. People usually make their own situations more complicated than they need to. But my point is this, I could offer a lot of life advice. Mind you I am no dear abbey. Still I know so much from hunting and homesteading to traveling just a lot of different areas that seem to be missed by "Opera" !! There are a whole lot of people out there that do not live the dream nor do they want to. I don't. I want a parallel universe. I want an alternative lifestyle to the alternative lifestyle. Where do the junkies and the trailer trash and the sign flyer's go when they need something besides a welfare line. Not that I am trying to find common ground there either, I suppose there is none , but there are folks out here that don't belong to any body. Rich, poor and in between. Where are they. How do they find me.How do I find them. Why am I so alone? Does anybody know what I am trying to say? Have you ever stood in a room with people you feel no connection to what so ever. Watched a movie and thought why do they assume we all want our lives to be so stereotypical? Is no one out there different? Most especially women. I still feel even here that my words are to hard to understand. If not to hard what, uninteresting? Perhaps.  I am a poet. A really good one. No one will ever read my poems. The ones that have for the most part don't understand them, can't relate to them or could care less.  My Father loves them, my brother and my Uncle are my greatest fans. But why. Is it only because they are family and find common ground there? I really wish I could elicit a response from some one out on the Internet. I  feel like I don't exist out there. Anyone there?
Please do not mind my ranting. Just a morning full of frustration. I am living in limbo hell right now so .... Blessed be.

Journals

The one thing that I worry about writing here every day is that I am using this for a daily journal instead of my regular journals. I have kept a journal for years and I love to be able to go to my library and see many years of writing there even though I rarely read them, in fact other than a few I have never reread them. I wouldn't doubt if Dad  has  not read his. But I find reading his quite entertaining and Mom loved reading mine. So I may have to share my writing time some how, in the mean time I am going to print off some of this writing and keep it also. Its not that its writing worth keeping its simply that it is at all. I wish I had more of my mothers writing. I wish she had written down the things that were so important to her. Family was, Her family side was so into lineage. It was very important who was who. Marriages and births, royal things like Uncle Nells was Duke Daulburg etc.I don't know it. I always thought Mom would be around and I would write it all down. Now it is lost. Her cooking, her famous cooking! All gone. She worked sixteen hour days for almost sixty years with complete absorbing passion  to learn how to cook. Everyday she was trying something new but at the same time she had perfected everything. Her Oriental food alone was to die for, her breads,stews,Curry's, ,wines, liquors ,cheeses, cakes, and pastry's, her sausages all from scratch.Most of it on a wood cook stove with water hauled from a creek!! Such an amazing woman. Gone. With only a handful of recipes that survive her.I do have a journal that she gave me, I have my Uncle Jesse.s journals and I have about thirty years of my fathers daily journals, I have about fifteen years of daily journals.In looking back at my own I see so much wasted time growing up, its a bit discouraging. I love to read journals and I wonder at some of my favorites like May Sarton. She seemed so together somehow at least when it came to her writing. Her love life was what it was and I think her writing came a good deal out of loneliness and pain. Who's doesn't. Even Dr Sheehans books on running, which are so exercise high inspired have pain in them.Oh speaking of that, my bike is down. Bummer. The back tire is flat and from the looks of things it'll  be about a week before I have a car to haul anything in.
I have been working every day here out side trying to get the place caught up. Made the shed into a bunk house and mowed most of the lawn. Cleaned the porch off and took down the Christmas lights. Cleaned out an big trunk full of old paint. Still have to sweep out the shop, finish mowing and go through my storage van. Plus a million other small projects.Its starting to look pretty good around here again. Its a little cold out side and the propane line was severed yesterday with the lawn mower so all the pilot lights are out in the house. I have to get those lit. Spooky job. I can't imagine any of this being interesting to read about, so I suppose I should quit. The trouble with me is there is not a lot of input and or stimuli at this point in my life so I have to look into the daily grind to find pulp! Dad and I were talking yesterday about the absence of women who have chosen to become hermits or solitary beings, like Buddha or old mountain men type hermits? As far as I know even nuns are with other nuns. Anyway its interesting. For now.................

bike ride!

yo ho ho, I finished my log this morning and went for a tough but great bike ride. Only about five miles but up most of the way till I turned back. I went last night too, proud of my self, also worked out for one hour yesterday.

From Montana to a Malaysian diet ;) wink :)))))) giggle :D laugh

My moments of peace. I feel selfish with my time and I horde it jealously. Soon the day will begin for the rest of the world around me and then its go go go. Even in" my time" its hard not to be thinking about what I will cook for dinner, what my daily agenda looks like. Its hard to find your creativity when you do that. But I am not complaining I know how lucky I am, its more that I am trying to carve out a piece of the day to say hello to myself. Its a toss up because of exercise. I need the time to exercise too. Some of that I can do with the kids and family.
I went and visited Pen sang Malaysia on google last night. Very beautiful. Lots of temples and wondrous buildings, it looks very warm and tropical? I did not have much time to check it out but it made me want to know more.  So I thought, you know someone who comes to my site may feel the same way. Whats Montana like to live in? What was it about Jane lims site that inspired me?
Janes site inspired me because of her self discipline. Her passion for bike riding. The shots of the mountains and the city. The obvious effort she puts into her life. I want that in my site. Not that I want to copy her, no quite the opposite, I am inspired by her to put more effort into my own life.Not only do I want that in my site, I want that in my life! So how do I do that. I am familiar with it because I used to have it. That kind of self discipline. I was in unbelievable shape. I was in such good shape that it has taken twenty some years of doing nothing to get out of shape. Sad but true. And in my own defense it was a trade off. I was single and had all the time in the world. Then quite unexpectedly I became a "Mom" to three half grown children. Overnight my life changed. Suddenly I was the one still up folding laundry at 11:00 at night dog tired. Then my mother got Alzheimer's. I started taking care of her full time and raising three kids, looking after my dad. Then I met and married Andy and got pregnant and had twins.All of this was on my plate at one time.I really did not have any help, Andy was gone working for weeks at a time and when he did come home he was beat down so far himself all he could do was rest. I was over whelmed and didn't have five minutes to look up. Slowly things changed, Momma died, the kids grew up and moved away, I still have the twins and Grampa, Andy still works non stop. But things have eased up.I feel like I need to look to myself more now, to take care of myself and to find a niche for me.I know that when my father is gone, I will be lost. So I am trying to build a life of creativity to fall back on.I have a tendency to be a sensitive person and my Husband and his family are not. I could be hurt accidentally by their well meaning insensitivity. Does that make any sense?  It does to me, it does to my father. He has encouraged me the last couple years tremendously. He is my greatest fan. He loves my poetry. I have not written a poem sense my mother died.  I wrote my way through my own hard times. I have always written and I hope I always will.
I could put the journey of the diet down, the journey of trying to get back in shape at fifty.  Just building the house is a challenge I wish I had, had a mentor for. But I think Jane Lim is right, work harder on the exercise. Eat differently. Some of the food on her site looks so good! The spaghetti oh my gosh, but I do not know what it is or how to make it. It almost looks like a curry. I also noticed that she was heavier in 2007 when she first started her journals. It was cool to see that she has changed and she might not even notice herself. We have been trying to guess how old she is. Twenty eight, thirty I have no idea, ha ha she looks good.I think she is a doll. I think I will get going and go for a bike ride, I also think I will start documenting my diet here, maybe!! for now me friends blessings.

Jane Lim

Jane lim
 I want to say a couple words in honor of her site and her life which I admire. Hers is the first site I have gone to and left a comment on and I did this because I was feeling down and uninspired. I was bummed out because adsense kicked me out and my site was not going to be making any money etc.. Then I was feeling bad because I have gained back ten pounds, and was just sick of trying to eat less and exercise more, bla bla bla  But I accidentally found Jane lim, her father has passed away and she was sad, I understood how that felt. I do not understand all the bike lingo on her site but I understand it is a passion for her. I could not wait to get up this morning and go to her site. I wonder silly questions about her life. Where does she live. Does she work. Is she married? Anyway for now I have an appt. and I am afraid I would like to have said it all better but my friends to Jane Lim salutations!!

WOMAN TO WOMAN

Well I am all around ideas on my blog. Wanting to be eclectic and yet at the same time have a theme. My theme is woman to woman. I am a very strong woman and I am proud of myself, where I have come from  and what I can do. My theme covers, family, depression, menopause,addiction, children,building a home, ranching, caring for elderly parents,poetry, animals,learning to live on a as little as possible, gardening, dreams, inspiration,art and creativity.I guess when I look at  all of this, it is covered by woman to woman. Health and diet.Prison, having loved ones in prison. Foster care. What I want is open discussions about these things. Some one writing in and saying what about this or have you ever thought about doing that.I am a very intelligent, creative person and I love men, (most especially a couple of them!) Write to me about your wife, how you love her. What is it about her that is special. My title an answer 2, means to me, an answer, to living life with out effort. With out thought or passion.In other words put some effort in and some direction and make a lifestyle happen that is rewarding. That will give your children some sense of value of their own. Teach them to be strong healthy and happy. Teach them to care for the earth. Teach them that nothing from addiction to prison should define them. Let us continually define ourselves no matter how old we are. Then you just keep fine tuning. Polish comes in time. So many people let bad things that happen define them. They forever handicap themselves with a bad childhood, or marriage etc. Recreate yourself is what I say. I have experienced it all and I deal with my problems every day, but they do not tell the world or myself who I am or what I am capable of. I do that.   Diet. I am really struggling with that. I have been dieting for five months right now. I have lost ten pounds  to date. Two weeks ago I had lost fifteen. I hate being fat. But even if I end up that way, there are worse things. I was very slim all my life, (by comparison) Then at forty three I had in vetro fertilisation and was pregnant with triplets. At eight months I lost one of the babies, delivered via cesarean, twins. But I never lost all of the weight. Then I went on cymbalta and I gained twenty pounds. I used to smoke years ago, I quit and gained twenty pounds. So here I am today fat and happy. Except when I am not,ha ha. I am happier in the last ten years than I ever have been in my life. I am all over the page with this I know, but I am hoping to spark an interest here or there that might come in and leave a comment, or as I said open up a dialog.for now I guess that is my morning rant. Hope you get something out of it.

Amish

I am frustrated. I have designed a number of house's at this point. Each one less elaborate than the one before. Down to half the square footage, less corners no fancy items. All I want is good bones, windows, roof and floors. Any one of those three things I am willing to sacrifice for the money issue if I have to. I think I can work on the place for the rest o f my life. If it has good bones. Always improving it, making it into a home my great grand children will inherit. Or even a strangers family as long as they can love it. What does it take to make you love a home?? I don't question my design, its good, that's not the problem. The problem is somewhere else.
I won't get the house I have designed. I can't. The money issue won't let me. That's sad to me, I don't need fancy, I just want good quality.That's the one thing I can't have. It costs to much. Four hundred thousand dollars wont build this house, so they say.

I have struggled to find out what we needed as a family. Every one had an opinion. Then I struggled to find out what it was that I, wanted.Then I designed it and it was to expensive. It was too large. To many corners, stones, bathrooms, hot tubs, pools, fancy kitchens, windows,too much square footage. Three stories was wrong, one level, wrong. No basement, wrong. Each time I redesigned it.

Then you begin to mistrust the builders as they bid because you soon find hugh discrepancies in the same items from the same place? Is it the difference in how one man builds as  compared to another? Who will build it right. Every man is the best, just ask him! The sad part is that there is nothing new in my story. Every one out there that is building is going through it. If only my Dad and my Uncles were alive. My Grampa. We were like an Amish family in some strange way. Hard good workers, and a family that would have pitched in and done this for me.And each and every one of them would have  built some special thing for me in to the place. But all but Dad are dead and gone. Thirteen of them. And now I have strangers who try to tell me I don't know up from down! Young men who have never even been scared, or hungry, in love or lost.Hard to have respect or ask for respect. In my Uncles and my Dad you respected them first by the way they carried themselves. In the end you respected them most, by the way you carried yourself, when you were around them.

I mentioned the Amish, I have written to two of them and Andy talked with some yesterday. Perhaps they can help us? Or the Hudderites or the Mennonites? Some how I feel it would be wonderful to have them build it. Some how that would be the right way to do this. It's funny because I knew the spot on the hill where we will build when I stood there the first time, I just knew it was where the house should go. Then I knew it should be log. I knew Andy the first time I danced with him the same way.  I knew I would be with him for a long time.I knew my children's names were the right ones.  Ya even I get the point, at this point.ha ha  It would be nice if it worked out but first I need to find a way to communicate with them?

We should have more bids coming in this week and maybe for the next couple weeks. I guess we have to do what its going to take to build this house and not spend an absolute fortune doing it. I do not want my Papa to put more money into it than we have planned. I know he will but I do not want that. For the moment I am done, talk to ya later

Directions

Hey I ve lost a couple pounds! almost down to where I was when I started dieting!Brother, if that's not frustrating I don't know what is. Keep on keeping on. This living in limbo is a little rough.
 I was mad at Andy last night. He was suppose to come home for supper then  in the morning he and I would get up around five  and leave for Helena to look at a job, after that  we were going to talk with some house folk. Bobbie would get up at five and come over and help me then get the kids off to school for us, way earlie for her but no problem. He said he would be late so I had dinner ready everybody lined out, about ten thirty I called the ranch to see if any one had heard from him, he was there. Didn't even call me as per usual. ERRRRR That's just Andy. He worked until just before I called and had just walked in the house. One track mind he has.
So who knows what today will bring, I may meet him in gold creek, but won't know until later. I want to do as much as I can away from home while I have Bobbie to help with things here when I am gone.

wife

A wife. Being a good wife.  A good mother. It takes work.
It has to be a two way street. It takes a good husband to make a good wife. Or is this true? I am a good person, a loyal wife.
I have grown up some. So I am a better wife now than I was. I have a good husband.He is my rock. I could not ask for more. He is not demonstrative in ways I wish he were, but I know how he feels about me.I should work harder to be a better wife. I am quite strong willed about things independently.So is he. We are a great match, but I could be better.I could be more careful how I spend money, he never complains. I could cook more and diet to my self.He never complains. I could be a better mother to our children. Spend more time reading with them and playing with them. They always complain,ha ha no they don't they are great kids.I like the idea of being a good wife. There is something special and immortal  about being a wife and a mother.A mother can do so much damage to a child  even when trying to do well.I watch movies from time to time and I see people put the baby in some distant room from their own crying and screaming against ever instinct they have and it gives me cold shivers. Get the bottle ready right away, no breast, no kangarooing as they call it. I watched a man in the restaurant the other day with his wife beside him and was convinced he hated his child. His rage was tangible. Clenched teeth and hissing spit he told the child not to move, about a four year old boy with two boys on either side of him. People see children as things to be molded to conform to what they think is right and wrong, good and bad.Not as baby's who have only instincts and energy. Some thing to be disciplined in to shape. And every lousy parent out there is the one who screams the loudest  about how you should be raising your kid. Raised in fear with tons of rules to rebel against when they get to be just a little older.My sin is spoiling my kids. And its a bad one. I buy them way to much crap.I need to work on myself there, I suppose it's my own guilt for not spending enough time with them.

Mothers day

It's mothers day here and my kids woke me up with first grade home made cards that are such a delight! Hugs and kiss's and we stayed in bed with the Newfie and two kittens for a couple hours, it was fun. Then they made me coffee and now its my computer time. Very sweet way to start a day. My friend Kathy called and her mother, Lillian kelly stensrude passed away this morning at like 5:30. I will miss her very much she was a living doll. I hope Kathy can be at peace now. My brother Nate also called he was flying a sign on the wall in Oregon. Living the life, Vicky was still drunk from the night before but said a real sweet happy mothers day to me.Have not heard from my Husband yet, may or may not as he's at the ranch drilling, hopefully if it did not rain to much last night. With any luck he will get it done today. You know one of my greatest joys right now is my Newfoundland dog. She is a handful. Pain in the butt! Messiest dog I've ever seen but smart, sweet,lovable oh yes.And she is my dog. She loves the kids she loves everyone of us but bottom line she is my dog. I love her totally.She is a hoot.In the morning she doesn't want out when she barks at you, No she wants you to get up! Same thing at night, enough is enough. She will suddenly take a stance and in a very loud authoritative voice bark, bark, bark, bark and that means it's time to go to bed with me mom. It's the darnedest thing!Took me a while to figure out what she was saying. Grampa Murray just is nuts about her, spoils her rotten. He wants one and I plan on getting him one soon. I hope.
I will take Bobbie and her kids into town to meet up with there Dad later. Then I don't know from there, most likely get some soup for Dad from china buffet. Wish I could take me mommy in law a card but that is a bit much for the day so I think instead we will do something for her next weekend. Still no word from anyone on anything so just waiting to here. I always said that I was to learn patience in this life.Not that I have more than one life grant you, just that I will be forced to learn it and I could use that lesson anytime now.

DEPRESSION

Seems I ve had a brief hiatus.
Not sure I am up to this yet but nothing ventured../.. you know. Andy and I are counting on a few blokes to bring us in on the money end of this house and its a nerve racking time for me. All we can do is wait a couple more weeks. I want to spill the beans all now and scream out loud but best to wait, as I am slowly learning.You see it seems as soon as I say this is the way some thing is going to be on this house thats the time for the whole flippen deal to slide sideways on me. So until the boat quits rocken I am not talken.
 I have been sick with the flu, pretty much over that but now, I am kinda down. This house deal. So I ve totally blown my diet which doesn't help either. At least I can see that when I get depressed I eat. So I medicate with food. Novel flippen idea. The only thing I can do is work, thats what always brings me up out of the muck. Today was a little rough and I have company of the best kind here right now so I don't want to be to depressed. Bobbie's baby's are home for Mothers day weekend and the littlest guy Erik just loves his nanna kelly. So here's the plan....
Tomorrow I get up, work out and get physical around here. I want to tackle the back room and the yard, plus I am ready to get back on my diet.Should take a load or two of bobbies things up to storage.I have to fight feeling worthless or not giving a care about anything. I don't really like to talk about this part of me but it's very real and it's whats on my plate so if I am going to be honest with my readers
I feel obligated to tell them the whole story to the best of my ability. I am a manic depressive person, I think. Never been diagnosed as one except by myself but I am certain I am. Or at least borderline somehow. I love my manias. Which is either work or creativity, to the point of what feels like genius and is quite the high. I love the high. But the other side is not so pretty. I take cymbalta,which even though I believe it saves my life, I hate. It robs me of my highs and worse of my creativity, but for my family's  sake and truly for  my own I must take it. It has made me a much more even keeled person than I have ever been. Thank goodness. I love who I am and I get by ninety per cent of the time just fine. I have had a few "episodes" in my life. Pretty scary, don't know how I made it except for the last time  when I went and seen a doctor who helped me. It seems strange to put this out there, scary also.But my  strength is in who I am not who I am trying to be. I believe in being a good person. I work hard to be a good person. Not for anyone else's sake so much as for my own. It helps me get through life knowing I  care so deeply. Knowing I am a good person.

front view of the place.

El milagro this is my baby read the comment

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LEGACY

Good morning
Well I have been sick with the flu for a couple days .Took the stuffing right out of me.I am glad that it's almost over as it was a tough one. Its been quiet a while sense I have been that sick. Thank Goodness! But sick or not I still have gotten a lot of work down in the last couple of days. Andy hung out with me and we went and looked at windows, cabinets and roofing, fireplaces and rock, it has been great to have him there to see some of the products that I am choosing and why. Like metal clad windows compared to vinyl.I just can't see going with vinyl in a home of this quality. I want good bones. I keep saying this and maybe that deserves some explaining.
I have lived all my adult life and a good part of my childhood,in places I was always trying to fix up.Never in a new home.Everything from badly run down trailer houses to old falling down farm houses.Now I love a challenge and always said I could make a silk purse out of a sows ear.But the most frustrating part of the process is to move into a place like a trailer that you can only do so much with because it never had good parts to begin with. The place I live in now is a good old trailer house. I've made it very livable and its been a good comfortable home for me. But..... Its not a warm home to live in, the place moves every spring when the ground thaws out and the walls and the ceilings separate.The walls have rotted away around the bottoms in places like the bathroom etc. I hate that. Now don't get me wrong, I have painted the entire house really nicely. I put in all new trim everywhere there was trim and I put in good quality stuff.I put in new windows though out and added at least ten windows. All new floors. Core bond insulation underneath the whole house. Put new porches on and cement sidewalks.New fences and trees and and acre of lawn.I put a fireplace in and a really good roof over the whole place.So it's nice.It's a constant battle to keep it that way.I look at these old Italian villa's and I wonder do they have these issues? I don't think they do because theirs is a much simpler existence. No fancy facets, or carpet or all the crap we put into out homes that we end up being slaves to. Just good simple bones.Now my new home is not simple but it has good bones, it could be simple and still be... One of the reasons I wanted a log home is because they are suppose to last two hundred years. I would like that. That is what I have always wanted. To plant a tree my greatest grandchild will fall in love under.A home with a history.Stone steps that are worn down from time. I guess I have always had a thing for immortality. I want to live two hundred years and I only pick that number because I am afraid of being selfish.My mother wanted that too. She had seventy seven. I sure wish she could have seen this place. It would have been a dream come true for her. I am only grateful I have my Father to share it with. I am sure it is going to be a fun adventure for him also. That is why I want good bones. I want each generation to make it more beautiful than the last. I want the place to have a name.I want them to be able to say my great...... grandmother designed and built this home. Like some European queen of old. Hmmm ya I could maybe qualify.